Body Language When Dating

Body language is the very first form of communication we establish with others. Our gestures, facial expressions, posture, and eye contact often reveal more than our words ever could. Non-verbal communication shows what we don’t say out loud—for example, whether we find someone likeable or not.

Since the 1960s, scientists have studied this seriously and discovered that during communication, it is facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, and tone of voice that we pay the most attention to. The actual content of the message is secondary. Therefore, it’s not just important what we say, but how we say it and what our body is doing while we speak.

Generally speaking, women tend to perceive body language more acutely (our brains are better adapted for it) and also use gestures and expressions more frequently. Non-verbal communication is also influenced by education (higher education often results in more reserved body language), age (children gesticulate more), and a person’s background. To interpret body language correctly, we must always judge gestures in context and as a whole.

The Handshake

When we meet someone new, the first contact is usually a handshake. A handshake can express one of three basic attitudes: dominance (palm facing down), submission (palm facing up), and equality (a balanced vertical position). Unfortunately, many people offer a "dead fish" handshake. The soft, lifeless feel of a dead fish is generally disliked and triggers negative emotions—so if this sounds like you, try to work on it! ;-)

The opposite extreme is the "bone-crusher," the hallmark of the aggressive "tough guy" type, which isn't ideal either. Sometimes a person might only grab your fingertips, as if missing the target, which feels awkward and suggests a lack of self-confidence. You may also encounter the "double-handed" shake, intended to show sincerity or deep feeling. This can be the "glove" style (the politician’s shake), a grip on the elbow, or a hand on the shoulder. These gestures invade the recipient's intimate space and are usually only acceptable between close friends or relatives.

Communication Distance

This brings us to "spatial language"—the distance between people during communication. Everyone has a defined space they need to feel comfortable and safe. We all have our own "bubble," and its size often depends on the population density of where we grew up. The size of this personal zone is culturally conditioned.

We can distinguish four basic spatial spheres:

1. Intimate Space (0 to 45 cm): The most important zone. Only those closest to us—partners, parents, children, or very close friends—are permitted here.
2. Personal Space (45 to 120 cm): The distance kept at parties, social events, and friendly gatherings.
3. Social Space (1.2 to 3.6 m): The distance we keep from strangers, such as a shop assistant.
4. Public Space (3.6 m and more): The natural distance when addressing a large group (e.g., teacher to students).

While we tolerate strangers in our social space, an intrusion into our intimate space by a stranger causes physiological changes: the heart beats faster, adrenaline rises, and muscles prepare for "fight or flight." By entering a person's intimate space, someone of the opposite sex often signals romantic interest. If the other person accepts the advance, they remain still; if they wish to decline, they will instinctively step back.

Eye Contact

Eye contact is vital. The human body receives 80% of its information about the outside world through the eyes. In Western cultures, a direct look usually lasts 2 to 4 seconds. We tend to look longer at people we respect or like. However, a stare that is too long can be unpleasant, as is avoiding eye contact entirely, which can signal insecurity, fear, or untrustworthiness.

In courtship, eyes play a huge role. Women use makeup to emphasise their eyes, and when a woman looks at someone she is attracted to, her pupils dilate—a signal men decode subconsciously.

Gestures of Courtship and Attraction

Just like in the animal kingdom, humans use specific positions to attract attention. When a person enters a room with the opposite sex, their muscle tone increases, they straighten their posture, pull in their stomach, and expand their chest. You can see this best on a beach when a man and woman approach each other; they "transform" as they get close enough for eye contact, then revert to their original posture once they've passed each other.

Male Signals

Men often "preen" near women they like. Beyond posture, a man might adjust his clothes, run a hand through his hair, or use the "thumbs-in-belt" gesture. This highlights the pelvic region and is a classic signal of masculinity and sexual confidence. He may also point his body or one foot towards the woman he is interested in to signal his focus.

Female Signals

Women use a wider range of signals, including tossing their hair, tilting their head (a sign of interest first noted by Charles Darwin), or exposing their wrists—an area long considered highly erotic. In conversation, a woman might reveal her palms or play with a cylindrical object (no comment! :-D).

Leg positioning is also key; if a woman sits with one leg tucked under the other, the knee usually points toward the person who has caught her interest. Playing with a shoe or sitting with tightly crossed legs also sends a signal of engagement.

And if you’d like to practice your verbal communication as well, we have a workshop just for you! ;-)